Predictive dramatic analysis is the most powerful tool in 21st century social dynamics. Our firm, The Undeniable Drama Codex, attempts to study, understand and predict the ways drama plays out on the internet. Our tasks are twofold: Indexing and Analysis.
Today a dramatic opportunity dropped in our lap, a chance to show you what predictive analysis of Internet shaming looks like. We will follow this drama as it unfolds and, by cross-checking it against all of the data the UDC has collected previously, we will predict the strange and varied maneuvers this event will take. You will witness us. You will be amazed.
Earlier today a ne’er-do-well hacking collective called Team Takedown announced they would leak embarrassing and damming social interactions from a known individual.
They declined to say who, but thanks to Codex analytics of more than 15 years of social interactions I think I can safely determine who their target is. If I’m right, this unfortunate target can make use of Codex services for free, as a beneficent show of our power.
Our predictions are not magic. They’re the result of petabytes and petabytes of carefully-studied social interaction data. If one analyzes two-hundred billion posts, one gets a general idea of the Internet’s attitude toward certain figures. For our clients, these can be read as live risk analysis. This is the service the Undeniable Drama Codex provides.
So who is the target? Well, this person must be known to people within the social demographics of Team Takedown. This person must either be an object of ridicule prime facie (your Guy Fieris, for example), or they must be perceived as deserving it.
In the online drama ecosystem, schadenfreude is the sun, and the air, and the rain, and the soil. The person who is the target of such an attack must have it coming! This allows both the hacker and the rubber-necker to feel a sense of righteous judgment, a touch from the fingertips of an avenging and angry god.
The nature of the offense that provokes the mob can be fluid, everything from disrespecting valet to showing up in a cringe soda commercial where the celebrity in question makes out with a teargas-firing riot cop. The exact cause doesn’t matter, but the perception of wrongdoing does. TT’s target hasn’t done either of these things, according to our metrics, but he has done something to inspire fury.
For these reasons, the Undeniable Drama Codex predicts that Jesse Plemons will be the target of Team Takedown’s hack.
Now, Jesse, I know this may seem like an attack… It is, but not by me. You know what you did and you know it was wrong, but I don’t care about that. How you handle these next 24 hours could determine the arc of your career. Team Takedown is no joke. They’re definitely real.
The Undeniable Drama Codex is the only thing standing between you and a horde of Boschian Internet trolls. I, J. Dout, can mitigate their wrath by using predictive drama analysis. We will navigate this catastrophe together and get you out on the other side. Call me, Jessie! I’m standing by!