I return to you today as a humbled Dout. I was briefly brought low by the failed predictions of my incompetent staff and I was embarrassed to be the target of a Team Takedown hack that claimed to “expose” my connections to government intelligence agencies. I won’t sugar coat it: I spent last night drowning the Undeniable Drama Codex’s sorrows in warm Zima.
Predictive drama analysis is a new science. The work we do takes years of correlation with computational algorithms that are, in a way, like people themselves. Sometimes the algorithm doesn’t get it all right. Remember, generations of alchemists gave themselves mercury poisoning in order to turn base metals into gold. Some days analysts like myself are gold, other days we’re mercury poisoning. That’s the job.
One way, the only way, we can protect ourselves is with data— cold, impersonal, agnostic data. The Undeniable Drama Codex proposes to free us from this crisis by turning humanity away from chaos to determinism, the iron block universe. Determinism is the idea that one could derive a model of everything that happens in the universe by studying the way those first few atoms collided after the big bang. Those first, crucial instances at the dawn of time are responsible for everything. Even the people trolling your mentions, calling you a bald, deluded grifter.
The UDC is making a model of our social universe through complex systems analysis. I am proud to say that I have completed the case study for the drama before us.
The work is complete. What appears to be chaos is, in fact, the path to determinism. BEHOLD! THE UDC TEAM ZANDER/TEAM TAKEDOWN CASE STUDY MASTER CHART!
You’re going to want to hold on to this chart, because it is your roadmap for everything that’s about to take place. I’d stake my professional reputation on it.
Make no mistake: chaotic charts like this one are how we will defeat the beast Chaos for eternity. This is how we determine our predetermined path through the universe and minimize risk to ourselves. Join us in this new age of social analytics, where all paths are foretold.
Today’s predictions from the Undeniable Drama Codex:
- Zander will recover his lost assets today when a friend who plays wide receiver for a minor league sports team (the Fightin’ Growlbacks) posts a GoFundMe to his personal Instagram account;
- Weed plays a major role in this story, and will appear when one of our actors is arrested for trying to buy a nickelbag (do they still make those?)
- Zander will produce an 8-track tape that proves his innocence
- No matter what Zander’s next moves are, David King will be as cool as a cucumber about them.
So speaks the Codex.