About J. Dout PhD

Who are we?

A clay tablet in the Royal Museum is a witness to the dramatic and unpredictable consequences of the written word. Almost 1,500 years before the common era, a Mesopotamian copper merchant took a chisel in hand and called his former business partner “a cross-eyed, donkey-marrying sack of oats.” In an act of spite, he had a servant copy the clay tablet and send it to all of their mutual acquaintances. Everyone who could read loved the novelty of the insult, probably the first one in recorded history.

An unassuming clay tablet with a dramatic, bloody history. Courtesy of the British Museum.

Five years later, ancient Assyria was in flames. The copper merchant couldn’t have known it at the time, but his clay tablet set off a chain reaction. Everyone at court had to have an opinion. Toxic relationships built out of nothing but contempt fell like dominos, leading to the beating heart of the empire. What started as an insult between small businessmen (the joke isn’t even good in the original cuneiform) brought a dynasty to its knees. The capitol fell before the first Babylonian soldier set foot in it. 

My name is J. Dout and I am a complex systems analyst. I take abstract tangles of problems and try to find the logic that governs them. 

I am also the victim of bullying. In 2001 my independent fantasy novel, “Lord Strongarm and the Island of Bossy Giantesses” was discovered by an internet forum and I was mocked churlishly for months. I swore revenge, but shortly after that I swore to find understanding. 

In my attempt to answer, “Why me?” I created the Undeniable Drama Codex. It is the ultimate resource of internet drama. Every story of dubious and low intrigue is catalogued by myself and studied. And, I’m proud beyond words to tell you, that I have found understanding at last. 

Internet drama can seem random and pointless, but I say it is not. All the data is right there for those with the eyes to see. Likes. Retweets. Follower counts. These are all quantifiable. And because they can be understood like math I can derive an model that can predict, isolate, and catalog instances of internet drama. More: it can guess (to some degree!) the outcome. Don’t believe me? Too bad! It’s math.

Above: Chaotic functions graph by Dr. Mark Humphreys, Dublin City University. This is real.